Men’s Silence Leads to Abuse

Written by Judicial Commissioner Kevin Reed

As one of Shelby County’s ten Judicial Commissioners, I must decide whether or not a person should have an order of protection against another person. Our office reviews and makes decisions on thousands of petitions every year in an effort to provide abuse victims legal protection from their abuser.  Although we rarely know the outcome of individual cases, we are all keenly aware that an order of protection is an important and powerful tool for helping victims escape abusive situations.

Not every abuser obeys an order of protection, however. These are the cases that remind me of the limitations of our judicial system.

In one extreme case several years ago, my office issued bond conditions instructing a man who was in jail on domestic abuse charges not to have any contact with his girlfriend upon his release.  His family posted his $30,000 bail. That very day, he went to his girlfriend’s home and shot her with a rifle – thankfully, she survived the attack. The man was shortly back in jail, this time with a $5,000,000 bail and charged with attempted first degree murder.  For him, our court order was just words on a piece of paper.

Cases like this one tell me that the key to finally eliminating domestic violence and sexual abuse will not lie with the judicial system. Ultimately, we must change the permissive culture supporting domestic violence and sexual assault.

In Shelby County, 78% of domestic abuse is committed by men.  Thus far, however, men have been noticeably silent on the issues of domestic violence and sexual abuse. Our silence is what gives abusers the permission to be abusive.  

Domestic violence and sexual assault will only end when our community’s men – our fathers, brothers, sons, and husbands – make it socially unacceptable to be abusive.

When I speak about domestic violence to groups of men I ask them to make this pledge: 1) I will not be abusive in my intimate relationships; 2) I will not indulge in misogynistic talk; 3) I will assist victims trying to escape abuse; and 4) I will support anti-domestic violence events. By making this simple commitment, men can show through their daily actions that abusive behavior will no longer be tolerated.

Here in Memphis, the annual Walk A Mile in Her Shoes event just celebrated ten years of men taking a public stand against domestic violence and sexual assault. The event, which brings together hundreds of men, and others like it amplify our individual voices of condemnation.  By standing together and saying, “NO MORE,” men can use the power of our voices to make abusers change their ways.  The more voices we gather, the louder we are. 

Judicial Commissioner Kevin Reed is a past president of the Memphis & Shelby County Domestic & Sexual Violence Council and a candidate for Shelby County judge. www.kevinreedforjudge.com